Seems like with everything that’s going on in the world today, what we need is a basic refresher course on how to communicate with one another. As I write in my upcoming Soaring into Greatness, How to Live an Unstoppable, Unforgettable, Unbelievable Life Workbook, there are four styles of communication that we do under stress according to Virginia Satir, the pioneer of conjoint family therapy.

We can either:

1. Placate— give our power to others. “Oh, you’re right! What I say doesn’t matter! I’m wrong!”
2. Blame—point the finger at the other person. “It’s all your fault! I didn’t do it! You must have!”
3. Compute—constantly analyze what others say. “Wow, that’s interesting! According to the news…”
4. Distract— ignore and deflect the conversation. “You know, that reminds me of something . . .”

Have you ever done these types of behaviors?

Relax, you are normal. Though these are unhealthy ways of communication, we all have done them at one time or another in our lives. The problem with using them too often is that they keep us from being real and authentic and out of alignment with ourselves and with the other person.

The best way to communicate is in a Leveling style, where we listen, paraphrase back what we think we heard, and ask for verification.

We don’t have to be right! We don’t have to Know all the answers! We don’t need to “fix” the problem and/or find the solution! When we do, we’re presuming the other person isn’t capable and unconsciously showing our low expectations of them. And, doesn’t doing these things make us feel powerful and that we’re in control?

What if whatever the other person said was taken for what they said?
What if we didn’t read anything into it?

We all have rights! We have the right to:

• Make choices beyond mere survival
• Say “NO” to anything when we feel we’re not ready or it is unsafe
• Not be motivated by fear
• Express our feelings
• Let go of guilt
• Make mistakes
• Feel sad when we cry
• Terminate conversations with people who make us feel put down and humiliated
• Be healthier than those around us
• Be relaxed, playful, and frivolous
• Change and grow
• Set limits and be selfish
• Be angry at someone we love
• Take care of ourselves; no matter what circumstances we’re in

I challenge you to practice some healthy communication stances and to realize you have your own “Personal Bill of Rights”. In this way, you can change the way you see and change the way you live.